“I Don’t Have The Body Of A Model or A Barbie…”

An eating disorder is never an easy thing to recover from or to get over. This is a mental illness, whether people see it as one or not, it is. Many females and males suffer from this and some even die from eating disorders. And I am one of the people who have suffered from an eating disorder for many years.
From a very young age, I never had a healthy relationship with food and when people from my school told me I was fat and that was the reason why people don’t like me, it got worse. And when my aunt gave me away, I just remembered them saying that, so I started either binging or not eating one meal a day. I was only ⅚ at this time and I didn’t know that what I was doing was going to damage me in ways that I could have loss my life.
By the time I was 10, I was suffering from anorexia with no one noticing. I just wanted to belong and everyone in my school was perfect compared to me, so I thought if I lost weight then I would finally fit in and have friends. I thought I had control, but with an eating disorder, you will eventually loose all the control you once thought you had, and I definitely did. Before I knew it I was barely eating one or two meals per week and when I stopped losing weight, I
became bulimic. From then on, I didn’t know where I was heading, but I knew I was going to die eventually. I lived fast and I guess I always thought/knew I was going to die young.
I was so mentally ill that I thought water was going to get me fat. I was forcing myself to throw up after every little thing I ate or drank. That’s how bad it gotten and I honestly didn’t realize it until I found myself in a mental hospital. Not once, but twice in a year time. I was a hazard to myself, and I wanted to be saved. But how can you save yourself, when your enemy is you? It was not easy, it took a long road to get to the point that I am at right now in my life.
It took two years after my first entry into the mental hospital and a year after the second entry in there, in order for me to stop harming myself. I will always be in recovery, it doesn’t matter if it has only been one year or ten years because it will never get easier. I have good days. I have bad days. I have days where it’s in-between good and bad. That’s life. There are days where I want to fall back into my old routines, but then I look around the people that are here, that have helped me through it all. Everyone has their own story and this is a part of mine that I am finally willing to share a bit of to you all.
My advice for anyone who knows or who is dealing with an eating disorder is to tell someone. Talk to someone you trust because silence is the deadliest symptom of an eating disorder. And the strongest people ask for help when they truly need it. By getting the help you need, it does not make you vulnerable, I used to think that. In fact, by doing that, it makes you stronger than ever. You are beautiful and you deserve to live. Don’t let an eating disorder destroy your life, like at one point it did for me. If you think you have no one then contact me. I will always be there for you and anyone else, who needs help.

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